I've discovered through my recent job searching, interviews, thoughts of moving up to 100 Mile House and some really bad computer problems at work, that I cannot handle stress as well as I used to. What a blessing to know that the Lord knew what I would and would not be able to handle coming back from Indo. I was offered a job at a place I already knew all the ins & outs of right when we came back. Looking back, I realized that it never caused much stress at all. If I would have had to job search, go to interviews and start completely from scratch where I knew no one, I'm sure I would have crumbled. Even now, with interviews, job opportunities and decisions to make, I am having sleepless nights, waking up (from my psuedo-sleep) feeling like I've worked an 8 hour day already. Brutal. The knot that I lived with for the last month or so in Indo is back. Tears start welling up inside VERY quickly. The crazy thing is, that most of my stress is from good things that are happening and probably one of the easiest job searches in history! I'm working with people all the time who are looking for work - sending their resumes out to countless people and not getting any call backs or anything. I called 2 people. Didn't know if they were hiring or not. Both of them were (are). I got interviews for both. An (almost) job offer for one (so far). God, in his grace, has lined things up for me so perfectly - including having a place to live in 100 Mile, and yet I still STRESS. and want to cry. Really. How fragile am I? We were told by numerous, more experienced people when leaving Indonesia, that it takes upwards of a year to really recover from our experience there. I was starting to think that our recovery was over early. until now. It seems unbelievable that our 18 months there could have affected us so deeply and long term. It's only 18 months out of the 371 that I've already lived! What a serious time that was.
Well, it's been somewhat therapeutic for me to write this, this morning, at work, where I came early to update all my files that were lost, only to find out that I cannot access any of our databases, so I could have slept for an extra hour, but I really wouldn't have slept anyway, so I guess this was meant to be.
4 comments:
know that we are thinking of you both and wishing you well. well if i was being totally honest i am wishing that you wouldn't go at all!
Your comments made me think of what people go through with grief. They think they have worked through their grief and rarely think about it anymore, and then unexpectedly, something triggers those old feelings. Even though life changes, like moving and job changes, can be positive, they are often filled with uncertainty and a feeling of loss of control, resulting in some anxiety. Be comforted in knowing that this is 'only for a season'- well, hopefully not really a full season.
I hope that I have an opportunity to come for a visit to 100 Mile some day - I don't think I have ever been there!
Love and prayers for you and Russ!
Thinking of you friend. Love you lots!!
Love you so much, Carmen. Hope that you can continue to find relief and peace from our Gentle Shepherd. I pray that He is leading you beside quiet waters these days.
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